Living a Better Story

On a rainy day last week, I watched the film Julie and Julia and, despite my best effort not to, found myself identifying with the sappy twig that Amy Adams plays, not because I’m a sappy twig, but because of the “life crisis” she so clearly struggled with. In the film, Amy Adams’ character, Julie, is unhappy with life - her job, her home, her friends, her relationships in general, etc. - stemming from the fact that she was on the cusp of turning thirty and hadn’t really accomplished as much as she expected to in her twenties. So she decides to cook and blog through Julia Childs' cookbook in one year, which brings her a sense of fulfillment, career opportunities, and new insight about the importance of relationships.

It wasn’t necessarily a unique crisis, I suppose, but as I prepare to turn thirty, similar feelings are creeping up in the back of my mind. I have a good job, friends who seem to tolerate my company, a loving community of faith, and I’m building a house. By all worldly standards (except for finding a wife, which - believe me - I’m working on), I’ve got it fairly figured out.

And, it’s not that I’m scared of being an adult. I actually really like being an adult. I like that my clothes fit me, that I know enough about things to have a conversation with a carpenter one minute and a lawyer the next minute, that I can buy beer, that I’ve done enough stupid things to know the line between safe and unsafe, and that I am taken seriously. These are the things that you spend all of the years in your twenties trying to achieve, whether you even realize it or not.

I’m beginning to wonder, though, if the crux of this crisis lies in the fulfillment we gain from living a story worth sharing with others. I recently read A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, by Donald Miller, which is a thought-provoking book where the author tries to unpack what it means to live your life as a narrative, including taking an active role as a character in your own story, stepping up to conflict, and seeking out other elements to make your life more rich and full. Miller relates segments of his own life-narrative to validate his points and, convincingly, persuades readers to think, act, and make decisions based on how they will affect the story of their life.

The sad part is that I get story; I’ve studied story in English classes, for heaven’s sake - round characters, flat characters, exposition, climax, resolution, etc., etc., etc. - but, just like a mediocre novel, I feel like I’ve got the elements down without having them work together to create a story I’m proud of.

It probably has something to do with my inability to foster relationships properly. I’m likable and even charming at times, but I do put substantial effort into keeping people at arms length relationally. It’s almost a survival thing, though. I mean, we all have sad stories about relationships that have gone sour or parents who didn‘t love us enough, but for me…well, they scare the life out of me. Even my closest friends know that I need a little space in order to work out just how to deal with them from time to time.

My pastor was talking about stewardship last Sunday, saying that holding yourself back relationally is poor stewardship because we are, in essence, God’s gift to one another. And this makes a lot of sense to me, but relationships are also really hard. And, let‘s be honest here, a little hesitation could save you an incredible mess to clean up later. But I can’t decide if the hesitation (or, more realistically, the stalling) is legit.

I think I would live a better life if I were better at relationships, if the characters in my life story, including me, knew how to love and to be loved and to interact authentically. I’d like to be less guarded in my relationships and to build new ones without worrying about the side-effects. I’d like to change my character into one who gives more and loves more, which sounds hard, but is still probably a hell of a lot easier than cooking 354 Julia Childs recipes in a year.

So, I’m considering Donald Miller’s “Living a Better Story” conference (www.donmilleris.com/conference), September 26-27. I am especially interested in dissecting my character in Session 2 (The Character of a Character) and learning how to foster relationships in Session 4 (Engaging Conflict).

Living a Better Story Seminar from All Things Converge Podcast on Vimeo.